Snapshots

"The past is like a photo album containing snapshots of every moment of our lives. These snapshots are not just of happy moments and celebrations; they also reveal our failures, tragedies, and acts of deepest shame. Most of us would like to lock some of our past away or tear out the snapshots that expose the parts we'd like to forget. ...How we view our past will effect how we live our present and future. Some of us have had a good past with a strong spiritual heritage with loving parents and mentors. ...Some of us have had a past filled with regrets from activities that were wrong and hurtful. No matter what you've done, God is ready to forgive you, clean you on the inside, and give you a new start-fully forgiven. ...Regret, guilt, and shame can be restored, and we can be free to live in peace with purpose and joy.

"I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead." -Philippians 3:13

When you focus on the past it is hard to forget it and move on. Deal with the pain of the past so you can receive the healing God wants to give you today and so you can move forward toward a future of joy and blessing. Seeing how God has worked in the past can give you confidence and hope that he will continue those great works in you in the future." (Life's Questions with Answers from the Bible)

...oh how I have my share of snapshots! Most of them are in vivid color, some of them are in black and white, and some of them have the evidence of tears smearing the colors over the photos. Most of the snapshots I will look over with joy, remembering certain milestones in my life. Some of them (most of the black and whites) I look at struggling to recall what their meaning was/is for my life. The snapshots that are smudged with the tears I look at every once in a while with regret, sadness and sometimes thankfulness that I captured those moments. They are snapshots that remind me of where I came from, who I was, where I am now, and who I've become.

I have mental images of me running up the stairs as a little girl, mumbling the piercing words, "I hate you" to my parents. I carry with me the Polaroid of having to explain to my parents that their 23 year old, unwed daughter was pregnant. My grandparents' reaction to the news...practically disowning me for a year. There is the "finality" image of the farm sale, hundreds of people standing around as the only life we knew in twenty some years was being auctioned away. Walking into my grandma's room in the nursing home only to have her look at me through her deeply confused eyes and say, "Who are you?" And there are hundreds of snapshots of my son growing up without the presence of his father.

For each of these that I just mentioned I can either look at them and cry, or pull out additional snapshots that will bring me happiness.

The birth of my son...a healthy 8lb 15oz baby who I never knew could bring so many people such joy! My grandma always tells me that she simply can't get over how he is always smiling in every picture! And my grandpa...prior to his passing last year, I hold the most precious snapshot of the very last time I saw him and the words he said. It was just grandpa and I, standing in the basement of his house looking through his collection of slides. He stopped me, looked me in the eyes and said, "God forgives you Angie. And I want you to know, that I forgive you too. You have an amazing little boy playing outside." We hugged, and I cried. He humbled himself that day...and even though he knew that I understood, and that it was evident that he loved my son and I deeply...he humbled himself to grant me that affirmation. That was the best, most wonderful memory that I have ever shared with him. I have so many people tell me, almost daily, that Nick is such a great kid. With the sale of the farm and the ending of an era came an amazing new beginning for all of my family. Had that milestone never occurred, I would have missed out on the opportunities to meet so many incredible people. People that currently have their own positions in my snapshots. And while my grandmother's memory left her years before she left this earth, she gave me and so many of us such great memories! She was a ball of fire in her own little way. And as for the emptiness of a father in the snapshots of Nick...well, it has given me a greater opportunity to bond with my child in a way that most parents don't have.

The past few weeks I have reconnected with a few people from my past. People I have not spoken to in 17 years or so. What a trip! So snapshots of the relationships with them have been brought out from the deep storage of my mind. And it has been great! I love talking about the "times of old" and laughing at some of the absurdity of it all!

And then there are the black and whites. The questionable snapshots. The "What does this image mean? What does it reveal?" So I sit and study them. Some days I can catch a glimpse of their "possibilities," some days I over-analyze, and some days I sit back, peacefully awaiting in anticipation for the answers to be revealed!

A little over a year ago as I was praying during a difficult season in my life, I had a glimpse of an image and I really struggled with whether or not God gave it to me or had I simply "wished" it there? This had never happened before-and hasn't happened since, and I still often wonder about it...this would fit into the "black and white" category.

I love pictures. I love taking pictures, I love looking at pictures. Always have, and I'm pretty sure I always will. While taking pictures, I find myself shutting the rest of the world completely out. I especially enjoy still photography and I think it's because it reminds me of how awesome God is! (and...it doesn't move!) While looking at pictures, I often find myself in a "time warp" and reminiscent of the "moment." There has been one time in my life in which I "thought" destroying pictures, meant the memories would go right along with them. Not true! Instead...I am regretful that I did something so stupid but thankfully, the mind retains what can not be "disposed" of.

I am in love with Philippians 3:13. How can one not be?!

I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.

While pondering this post, there was a movie that immediately popped into my mind. "Surviving Christmas." Great flick... The theme of this movie is facing your past, dealing with it, and moving on. Ben Affleck plays Drew Latham and in the beginning of the movie he "stalks" his girlfriend's psychiatrist trying to get a clear answer on what he should do. The psychiatrist says something like this:
Write down your grievances on a piece of paper. Go to a place that reminds you of your childhood. At sunset, light the piece of paper on fire and as the last shred burns, whisper the words, "I forgive you."

Snapshots of regrets? I have some.

Snapshots of blessings? I have so many more!

...better than that? I have so many empty pages yet to be filled!