My "Monday" Failures

When my feet him the floor this morning, I had no idea what this morning was going to bring.

I consider myself to be a morning person. It may take me a few minutes to wake up but I do. My son, on the other hand is anything but a morning person.

This morning I was running a little (not much) behind. I try to get out the door by a certain time give or take 5 minutes. It's funny how running late by anything over five minutes can trigger the thought that "today is going to be a bad day." Add to that, the fact that you're in a vehicle with someone who isn't 100% awake and it can be recipe for disaster. At least for me. Why is that?

I love my son. Hopefully everyone that knows me knows I do. Hopefully he knows I do. Mornings like today, I guarantee he has doubts that I even like him that much. I hate the repercussions of an argument. I hate the fact that in one second my mouth can utter words that are emotionally damaging. More than that I hate how my "ego" will work at trying to justify my behavior.

Being a single parent has been the most difficult and the most challenging thing for me. On days like today I second guess myself and wonder whether or not I am succeeding or am I failing in the parenting department. Am I the only person who feels this way when it comes to raising their child? Did my own parents ever play the game of "trial and error" while they were raising us? Why do I get so angry with him? Is it because I see some of my behavioral patterns in him that I want to correct? What is this stage of his life anyway? Is it a product of being raised solely with a mother and not having a father in his life, or is it just an "age thing?" (Does anyone have Dr. Dobson's phone number? I could really use some answers/advice!)

I am a pretty vocal person. (shocking, I know!) But there are a lot of things that I keep to myself. Huh...maybe herein lies my problem? I know Nick can't understand some of what I wrestle with. (sometimes I don't even understand what I wrestle with....) And honestly, most of the things I don't want him to know. I believe there will come a day that he'll understand without me even talking to him about them.

Sometimes I wish that I could erase some of the things I said to my parents when I was his age. I can't even begin to imagine how many times they may have wanted to pack my bags and send me off to boarding school or boot camp. I guess they call all of this "tough love." My mom was always the quiet one, the "wait until your dad gets in," the "I love you even when you don't think I do," mom. And the mom that must have shed a ton of tears behind closed doors. My dad held the reigns of being the disciplinarian. (and he held them well!) My dad rarely showed us affection physically or verbally but he was a protector. He had a temper and rarely did one of us dare "cross" him, unless we were completely out of our minds! For thirteen years I have had to play both of those roles. Some days I simply want to be the one that cries behind closed doors rather than the one that disciplines.


I try to find balance. Balance in how I influence my son, balance in how I spend my time with him.
I try to provide for my son. To provide emotionally as well as financially.
I try to be an example to my son. To teach him the importance of morals and values, emotions and expressions, actions and accountability, courtesy and compassion, responsibility and respect. This morning I failed in displaying any of these characteristics.

Will he one day understand the "unseen" sacrifices that a parent makes for their child? God I hope so.

Will I one day be able to look back on these years and feel a sense of accomplishment in knowing that I did the absolute best in raising my child? Or will I carry regrets?

Immediately after dropping Nick off this morning, with the echo of anger still lingering in the car, I glanced at the empty passenger seat beside me. And for a moment I was reminded that I am blessed to have that seat occupied. For as difficult as this single-parenting journey is for me I can't imagine having it any other way.

My Week...

So this week was one of the craziest I've had in a LONG time!

It all began Monday...same ol' routine, work in Sac come home and work at church. Typical Monday, but H-O-T!!! I think it reached 96? And by the time I got home that night, around 9 it was 88 degrees in my apartment. ...not ready to turn on the air conditioner.

Tuesday...again, same routine. Work in Sac, come home, grab fast food (which was Carl's Jr/GREEN BURRITO!!!) grab Nick for youth group and I worked at the church. Now TUESDAY was a frustrating evening. Upon getting ready to leave I discovered that one of my keys was missing from my key ring. KeyS don't just "fall off" of a key ring. This key disappeared sometime between 5:45 and 8:30pm. When something that is yours is "taken" from you, you feel violated. I have had my car broken into twice, and the feeling I experienced then was no different than the feeling I experienced Tuesday. As a matter of fact, it was more intense and definitely more frustrating. Tuesday was HOOOTTTTT again an the apartment was 88 degrees when we finally got home. I caved and turned on the air conditioner but it only dropped a degree before I turned it off again.

Wednesday...worked in Sac and had a 5:00 meeting in Folsom. Didn't get back home until 8:30 that night. (So much for getting some laundry done!)

Thursday...work in Sac, head home to grab Nick, fix dinner, work at the church and went grocery shopping after. *sigh* Totally hectic day!!!

Friday...Today was the worst. Work in Sac, (wait, I showed UP for work, but got absolutely NOTHING done because I had to "take care of non-work related issues.") I'm dreading Monday already and Friday isn't even over yet! Came home, grabbed dinner, began to tackle 12 (yep, TWELVE) loads of laundry, and clean. Did I mention that I have had to wash Nick's bedding (comforters and all) twice in two days due to the fact that I have a male cat?!

...and now I'm going to share some of the reasons this week was so great!

The high temps lasted a few days but after that, the evenings have been so extremely pleasant. The fresh air has helped me sleep so much better than I have in a very long time.

Wednesday's "meeting" after work has relieved so much stress and was surprising both at the same time.

I was able to chat online or via text with a few of my closest friends, which is always nice.

Tomorrow, my cat has an appointment with SPCA. Every time I've looked at him tonight, I can't help but laugh... (and look forward to a temperament change)

I broke down and purchased my favorite energy drink which I haven't done in quite a while. (proof that I don't ALWAYS drink Diet Coke!)

Nick and I both chose to give up fries for lent this year. The only time we really missed them was when we'd crave a particular fast food. Tonight was the first night since Easter than we've eaten there and it was amazing!!!

...yes, I even opted for the "double." I hadn't eaten all day!

I lit the candle that my son gave me for Easter. Truthfully, I was a little leery about the scent, but it smells incredible!

And when I go to bed tonight, I will do so with sheets that smell like Gain laundry detergent, a wonderful breeze coming through my window, and a sense of peace in knowing that my apartment is clean. (with more work to be done, but not for another week!)

...22 days until a vacation!!!

Beale AFB Air Show

I actually slept in this morning, for the first time in YEARS so I knew it was going to be a great day!

Saturdays are game days for my nephew so we headed to the ball park only to discover that his game was at 9 rather than the usual 11. So we now have several hours to do "something" and we decided to head out to the air show. I have not been to an air show since I was a teen! And it was a great opportunity to find something to do, just Nick and I.

Traffic wasn't all that bad but we did run into a little "stop and go."

I haven't stepped foot on too many military bases, but I have to say Beale is beautiful. It's so spread out...and I think being nestled in the valley just really makes it unique. ...and speaking of "unique," I thought it was pretty cool to see my name on the side of a plane! :)

I know nothing about planes, so I kind of wished my dad would have been there. Poor Nick. He even noticed how many kids knew the names of some of the planes. I can identify a Stealth Bomber and a Navy Blue Angel but that's about it!

This was a C-5 Galaxy and the only reason I know this is because someone handed us a flyer! ...it is one of the largest aircraft in the world. (notice my son's bald head!)

Random shot of the base.

I have to admit, this was the first time I've been around so many military personnel since the war in Iraq. Every time I saw someone dressed in uniform today, I had chills.

It was such a great day...it felt like it was in the 90s. And it's APRIL!


A Navy plane, so I had Nick pose...

This was a natural "oh my GOSH it's LOUD!!!" shot.

What a fun day for Nick and I to spend together! It was close, it was free, and the weather was perfect!

Blessed

I was working at the church the other night and a few of the girls made a few comments about my son that really made my day.

I know that growing up without a dad can't be easy for him. I know that having to deal with me as his mom and only parent in the home has to be frustrating for him at times. But when I look at him, and I think it's safe to say that whenever anyone looks at him, you'd never know.

I love when I hear people say that Nick is a good kid.
I love knowing that he has a good heart.
I love knowing that he has such a great relationship with his grandparents and that he cherishes the time he can spend with his cousins.
I love that he is sensitive.
My heart melts when I'm having a bad day and he gives me a hug.

I love having the time to play catch with him. More than that, I love the fact that I am 36 years old and he still wants me to play catch with him!

I'm so glad that out of all the traits and genes I could have contributed to him, he has my sense of humor and a rare personality.
I love that he loves life so much.

I had the privilege to give a cardboard testimony in church last weekend and I was touched to see my son's reaction...even if he "claims" he had something in his eye.

I am so blessed to have such an amazing kid.

Pessimism and Placing Judgment

I have fallen into both traps this week and am disappointed in myself for doing so.

I've been following the story of the missing 8 year old girl from Tracy since her disappearance. The past few days I have been watching the news reports and the press conferences as if I was watching an episode of NCIS. Wondering if the person responsible for her murder was lurking around in the background as the media asks questions, or could they have been sitting at home in front of their television...or perhaps reading the newspaper silently laughing in their own little demented way. It makes my stomach turn and my blood pressure rise. A child...a beautiful little girl. A daughter...torn from her parents. I don't understand and my humanistic response is to point fingers, make accusations, place judgment, and want more than anything for justice to be served.

From the video of her walking through the trailer park the day she went missing...to the image of a suitcase being carried across a field. They are images that haunt any parent and all that have compassion for life.

Between jobs the other night I stopped in at my parents' and my mom had filled me in on the church and the preacher that they had been questioning. My heart sank and before I could process anything, my mouth spoke, "Just what this world needs. One more excuse for people to turn away from God rather than towards Him." ...Sometimes I wonder why He doesn't just send down a bolt of lightning to set me straight. (And this is one of the many reasons why I would never be a good candidate to serve on a jury...)

And then I watched a few of the news videos online. There were members of the community who knew Sandra, who told stories about what an incredible little girl she was. How other children were drawn to her and how her smile was contagious. There was a group of people standing in front of the memorial, holding hands, heads bowed, praying the Lord's Prayer. And then there was Sandra's daddy who held his composure while saying how touched he's been throughout the search, how he will never be able to repay those who have volunteered and were still working on finding the person responsible...but God knows what these people have done and He will bless them for it. Unbelievable.

As of today, they have charged someone with the murder of Sandra Cantu. And as of today, I have failed to hear one family member publicly speak out of anger...or hatred. I'm sure they have so many questions and so much anger. But I also have a feeling that they are surrendering it all to a Higher Power.

I had one of the worst days today that I have had in a LONG time, causing me to literally break down and wonder what else could possibly go wrong. And then I thought of this story...realizing that my "problems" are so extremely petty.

On my way home from church tonight Selah came on the radio. "You Raise Me Up"....and in that moment I was reminded that without Him...I am nothing.

Daffodil Hill

When I was younger I had a very spontaneous attitude. If I wanted to do something or go somewhere there was a 99.9% chance that I was going to do it. I don't have the opportunity to be that way at 36 years of age. I'd LOVE to be able to drop everything and go on a road trip...or call in sick to work and spend the day playing instead...but life's responsibilities prevent me from living that way. However...whenever I can I try to find things to do or places to venture simply to obtain an ounce of sanity.

This weekend, I decided to take a day and spend it with my parents. (something I haven't done in quite some time)

We decided to take a little drive to a place called Daffodil Hill. (my mom has wanted to go there for a few years now, and it sounded pretty)

On the way we stopped at this little old town called Volcano.

It was late morning, so we decided to stop in a little shop and grab a bite to eat...

After this quick stop we made our way to Daffodil Hill...

Don't know who these people are...but thought they looked like a happy couple and decided to take their picture. :)

So that's Daffodil Hill...next stop, Sutter Creek.
What a cute little town, with the greatest collectible shops ever!

I wish I would have bought this next item...I've been kicking myself ever since. Always go with your gut!

We grabbed a bite to eat at this cute little restaurant before we left. (notice the expression of joy I captured on my dad's face!)

Our last stop was another old mining town, Amador City.

(these are not real....)

They had a little train set that wasn't operating at the time we were there, and looked like it hadn't run in quite some time but it was so intricately set up....very detailed

I really enjoyed spending the day with my parents...and to end the afternoon together we decided to splurge...