Another Reminder...

Tonight I am sitting around, not really knowing where I want to take this blog post. Part of me just wants to post pictures and be done with it, but a much, much bigger part of me sits here with a heavy heart and senses God nudging me to simply, "write." ...I don't even have the energy to argue with God over this tonight!

Right now I feel a lot like the people you see in videos and movies walking in slow motion while the rest of the universe is blasting past. I am taking careful notice of where my focus is, on people and circumstances, while the rest of society is busy with moving through life as though nothing else is going on around them.

I was strolling through Walmart Saturday night and it dawned on me, that this was the last weekend for the next few months that I will be able to step into this store and feel "sane."

On my drive to the store I noticed the bright colorful Christmas lights that someone has already put up around their home.

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is this week and that I have absolutely no clue how I want to tackle Christmas this year. The Holidays should be pleasantly prepared for. Stress should not play a factor in the celebrations, yet somehow it weasels its way in there.



I'm not ready for it this year...


So I'm trying to slow down just a bit and reflect on what's been going on all around and inside me.




I've been thinking a lot about the broken and the hurting. Funny how it works that way for me personally. Right about the time that I make the remark, "being single stinks" or something similar, God smacks me on the head and reminds me that my "pity me woes" are so tedious, so unimportant, and so...selfish.

...I have a roof over my head.
...I have a bank account.
...I have clothes on my back.
...I have food in my cupboards.
...I have a car to drive.
...I have a job to go to.
and
...I have a son that deserves my attention more than a companion.


My heart is heavy...and I am questioning myself as to how I can make a difference that will impact my child as well as others.

Our first step was Operation Christmas Child, which I have supported for several years now. "Together" we would choose the articles to place in the shoe boxes, one for a boy and one for a girl. I wanted to teach him the gift of giving to others. This year he opted to stay home from our shopping spree which has encouraged me even more to take another step.

Saturday morning Nick took part in his first youth group "Turkey Bowl" flag football game. During this time a youth leader had asked me what our plans were for Thanksgiving Day and invited us over for dinner. I had to pass on the invite, but then he asked if we'd be interested in tagging along with them later on in the day to take some food down to the river bottoms for a few homeless families. I didn't hesitate with a "We'd love to!!!" Aside from the occasional person we see standing on the street corners, Nick has never encountered a homeless person, not to mention a homeless family. I am so thankful that this opportunity has been given to us and look forward to sharing this experience with my 13 year old son.



This morning in church was such an unexpected blessing for so many reasons.

Upon arriving, I was chatting with someone about a particular ministry that I'd been thinking about. All of a sudden, he looked at me and eagerly asked, "What would yours be?" Huh? Um... (insert awkward pause as his face was lit up while he waited to hear what I would say...)

Huh...I didn't expect that I would be challenged with such a question. Well...I guess it would have something to do with children, because I do have compassion for them.

It seemed to satisfy his inquisitiveness and he walked away, leaving me standing in a children's nursery...feeling puzzled and almost frustrated with the fact that I haven't given it much thought.


And then we had our traditional "Sunday visit" from a friend who stops by to say hello with a big smile on his face as we all wonder what is going on underneath the exterior. Our hearts break for him as he's walking through this particular season of his life. It's refreshing to see his face Sunday mornings because it's a sign and an encouragement to those who know and love him. He's proof that even when life deals us the cards we didn't hope or ask for, our faith shouldn't be shaken...

But the greatest blessing for me came through the face of a family tragedy.

I had heard the story last Sunday, but had no idea that the story involved a family I see and interact with every Sunday morning.

A mom and dad were dropping off their son and nephew to leave in our care while they attended service. As I was checking them in, the mom mentioned that they had her brother's youngest child while her sister-in-law was dropping off the older one next door. I don't even remember what it was exactly that she said, but I will never forget the pain that I saw in her beautiful, yet broken spirit as I took this little boy out of her arms. About two weeks ago, this six month old baby boy's father took his own life. No one knows or can even begin to understand why...but it happened. And this family's world has been shattered.
I couldn't take my eyes off of him...
and I still can't wrap my mind around what they are all going through...



...Every so often as we care for little ones during a church service, God gives us a moment when we have the opportunity to have one eye on the kids and one eye/ear on the monitor. This morning's moment was heartbreaking, but so bittersweet.



There was a woman on stage with our pastor, and she was about to read a poem that she had written in memory of her son. She was the grandmother of this beautiful little boy who was playing on the floor in the room next door...


The room of toddlers grew quiet as she spoke in gratitude and brokenness, pouring her heart out to the church body, and in the end, lifting her hands in the air and giving thanks and praise to our great God.
The God who never leaves us, especially in the midst of tragedy.

What a beautiful moment...

What a challenging day for me personally.

As I sit, and way too often reflect on my life and some days, if it were up to me, feel as though I wouldn't choose to be at this point in my journey...

...I should be married.

...I want more kids.

But then I get reminders like today.

I have to be honest...when I was taking these pictures today, I was so frustrated with Nick. He couldn't stand still. I had a particular "picture" in my mind and wanted to capture it, I even jumped on him for pointing to the sky...

And now I can clearly see that it was God's final reminder to me on this very day. He graciously used my son to be the "messenger."

"Look up, Angie. Your life isn't about what you want. It's all about what I have planned for you...and it's enough."

Better than a Win

So my baby boy turned 13 years old yesterday and once again I was reminded of what an incredible boy he is (ugh...I suppose at 13 I should start referring to him as a "young man"). God has truly, truly blessed me with this child and sometimes I feel as though I'm unworthy of having the opportunity to be called his "mom."


He's smart...he's witty...he's compassionate...and he's beautiful inside and out. And trust me, when he's old enough to discover an interest in girls, there will be a thorough screening process in which they will have to get through ME to get to him. Because he'll be more than just a "catch."

I found his very first pair of cowboy boots today...and about cried.

I was a little nervous before the big game against Sutter, so I snuck outside for a bit and grabbed some shots around the house...

Boots is getting along just fine...

2:00 game time...Nor-Cal Division championship against Sutter. Here's a little "history" on why I'm not too fond of Sutter Athletics (speaking for my son's age group...Sutter High School athletics, I respect). And it's not so much the athletic department as it is the coaching staff. I have to laugh because it's as though they carry on as a teenage "click" would. They all coach together, no matter what sport, and they all try to live life vicariously through their own kids.

A few years ago I had reached my tolerance limit, and I vowed to never allow my child to play on their league ever again. He was once a player under these coaches "authority." And I know I may step on some toes when I voice my opinion (just remember, that it IS my opinion) but I have a HUGE problem with coaches NOT letting kids be kids in little league. They are going to spend the rest of their lives chained to the meaning of the word "competition." Be it as they grow up to play sports, and later as they go out in the world looking for jobs. When they are kids...let them BE kids.

And as a single mom, it is especially important to have male role models in your child's life that will help teach them the values of good sportsmanship and courtesy. NOT anger. To build the children UP...and not tear them down with words and foul language. Thus the reason to transfer leagues and take a season off of baseball. Thus my sour attitude against Sutter little league.

Anyway...

When I was in high school, I participated in three sports. Volleyball, all four years, track for two, and softball for two. In softball, we had a tradition that I'm afraid is considered banned in his day and age. Prior to the start of each game, our coach would gather us in a circle, and he would pray. I can STILL hear his prayer to this very day. Part of it was this:

"We don't pray to win. If we play well, and the Lord's willing...we will."

And he would also pray that no one on either team would get injured. It was a simple prayer, but it was a prayer nonetheless. And I respected him for taking the time to do so.

This was the view of the River Valley Junior Falcons as they took the field on Saturday:

It did this mom's heart proud...and at this particular moment, before the game had even begun...I felt that if RV didn't walk away with a football victory, there was already a victory in heaven's eyes.

The other thing that touched my heart this football season was the line-up during the National Anthem.

Sadly, I think it will be a few years before some kids realize the meaning of "American pride" but as an adult, seeing this every Saturday for the past four months has been a blessing.

River Valley was defeated by Sutter 8-6. They lost on a "safety." They played their hearts out and walked away with their heads held high. And as well they should have. What I saw this football season, was a group of kids being led by a handful of men with integrity, with values, and with heart. And I am proud of the entire River Valley organization...for doing what's most important, and doing it well.

"Letting Go"

Nick and I have two cats, Boots and Oliver. They each have their own distinct personalities. Oliver is more aggressive, as he was with us first and is a little older. Boots is definitely more passive and inquisitive.

A few weeks ago our two cats went from being indoors to outdoors. Adapting to this was easy for Oliver. He can hold his own and surely knows how to fend for himself. Boots, however, hasn't been so successful.

This is Boots:

He's a cute little thing, isn't he? Nick gave him the name because we thought he resembled the little feline from Shrek. (Without having the same personality, of course.)

After placing the two of them in their new outdoor environment, Boots disappeared for a few days. I was convinced that someone may have seen him walking around, and Boots, wanting to make friends with everyone would have been taken. He showed up, but with a limp in his walk. I picked him up, examined the back leg which was a little swollen and decided that he was ok. Maybe he got his leg caught in something and twisted it.

He stayed around for the night, disappeared for most of the day, but he came home again so I picked him up and handed him to Nick so he could love on him.

This was the moment that Nick let out a scream and extended the cat back to me with a "His LEG MOM! Look at his LEG!!!" I examined the injured leg and noticed a gash the size of a half dollar. This discovery occurred at 11 o'clock at night. So I drove to Walmart, purchased the necessities needed to keep him inside and he's been there ever since.

I grew up on a farm, and seldom was a veterinarian called out for anything. My dad had a lot of knowledge and experience in regards to giving the animals vaccinations, stitching up wounds, and concocting home remedies for injured animals. I grew up knowing all too well what it meant to "put down" an animal and those images will stay with me for the rest of my life. So my mom and I poured saline on the wound, applied some bag balm (back in the day it was cow salve), and I crushed up an aspirin and mixed it in with some food.

The wound has healed wonderfully and Boots is beginning to walk on all fours once again. So now comes the struggle I have with placing him back in the outdoors which is where he needs to be.

I tried to coax him out by propping the door open and he took a few "baby steps" however as I approached him, he became skittish and ran back into the garage for cover.

So I convinced myself to give him one more day before I would have to use force...

I have thought about this scenario quite a bit as I have been having a hard time "letting him go."

There's something about the safety and security of being under the roof in your own home...

When you are sick, you want to be home.

When you are hurting, you want to be home.

When you are tired and weary, you want to be home.
When you are frustrated and sometimes angry, you want to be home.

When you've had a bad day, you want to be home.

Home is comfort. And serenity. And...safe.

And the outside world? It can be fun, and exciting, and adventurous. But it is also associated with being the place where danger lurks and the unpredictable lies.

Speaking for myself (it IS after all, my blog and my place for opinions), the outside world sometimes frightens me. I'm not necessarily talking about being out in nature, or walking down the streets of town, but rather "exposing" my heart and my soul to those things that can hurt me emotionally. Relationships. Relationships with peers, family members, and potential "dating" relationships.

I can't count the number of times I have asked myself this question...

Can I forgive this person and open up myself up to the possibility of being hurt by them again?

So how do we "let go?"

How do we convince ourselves fully, that life is going to be hard, that life is going to hurt, and that in life there are going to be letdowns?

How do we trust the Person that has opened the door to the outside world... the One who stands before us gently watching and waiting...

the One who extends His hand and says,

"Be strong and brave. Don't be afraid of them and don't be frightened, because the Lord your God will go with you.

He will never leave you or forget you."

-Deuteronomy 31:6

"He looked around the carpentry shop. He stood for a moment in the refuge of the little room that housed so many sweet memories. He balanced the hammer in his hand. He ran his fingers across the sharp teeth of the saw. He stroked the smoothly worn wood of the sawhorse. He had come to say goodbye.

It was time for him to leave. He had heard something that made him know it was time to go. So he came one last time to smell the sawdust and lumber.

Life was peaceful here. Life was so...safe...

I wonder if he wanted to stay...I wonder because I know he had already read the last chapter. He knew that the feet that would step out of the carpentry shop would not rest until they'd been pierced and placed on a Roman cross.

...if there was any hesitation on the part of his humanity, it was overcome by the compassion of his divinity. His divinity heard the voices...

And his divinity saw the faces...From the face of Adam to the face of the infant born somewhere in the world as you read these words, he saw them all.

And you can be sure of one thing. Among the voices that found their way into that carpentry shop in Nazareth was your voice...

And not only did he hear you, he saw you. He saw your face aglow the hour you first knew him. He saw your face in shame the hour you first fell. The same face that looked back at you from this morning's mirror, looked at him. And it was enough to kill him.

He left because of you.

He laid his security down with his hammer. He hung tranquility on the peg with his nail apron. He closed the window shutters on the sunshine of his youth and locked the door on the comfort and ease of anonymity.

Since he could bear your sins more easily than he could bear the thought of your hopelessness, he chose to leave.

It wasn't easy. Leaving the carpentry shop never has been."

"God Came Near" by Max Lucado

I know that our lives are a bit different than the life of a cat.

And I know that our lives are nothing compared to the life of Christ.

But when you think of the life Christ gave up, to save ours...

...it puts "letting go" into a whole new perspective.