Cleaning House

I am still battling with my emotions over this situation. I am constantly struggling with the fight between playing the "name game" and staying "level-headed." You know that saying "What doesn't kill you simply makes you stronger?" I know that this isn't going to kill me...and that the only way it could possibly make me stronger is to rely on Christ.

It is when I find myself tearing up and getting angry at the same time that God reminds me that I am not perfect either.

I have spent most of the day today cleaning. When I clean...I "think." It's like...when I'm cleaning house, so is God. Sometimes I let Him freely "re-organize" and other times I find myself shuffling around what He's trying to "tidy up."

After I grew weary (literally) of my cleaning, I sat down and opened the book I've been reading, "The Gift of Change." It's been a few weeks since I have picked it up (I'm terrible) but once I turned to the chapter I was to begin, I had to laugh. "From Focus on Guilt to Focus on Innocence." Are you kidding me?!

..."Forgiveness can be very hard when someone has acted horribly. But the truth, whether we care to admit it, is that someone did what we too might have done if we had been as freaked out by something as they were: if we had been as scared of something as they were: if we had been as limited in our understanding as they were. That doesn't mean they shouldn't be held accountable or that we shouldn't have boundaries and standards. It doesn't even mean we have to stay in contact with that person. But it does mean we can come to understand that humanity is not perfect. Just knowing that-that we all do the best we know how with the skills we have at the time-is a realization that opens the heart to more enlightened understanding. And that's what we're on the earth for, because in the presence of people with enlightened understanding, darkness ultimately turns into light."

"Forgiveness begins, as do all issues of enlightenment, as merely an intellectual concept that has yet to make its "journey without distance" from the head to the heart. ...It seems to run counter to reason that we would choose to see the innocence in a person beyond there mistake, yet that is the visionary, as well as most powerful, aspect of faith. Our experience of a person might be that they mistreated us, while our faith is that they remain an innocent child of God."

"In any given moment, the universe is primed to give us new life, to begin again, to create new opportunities, to miraculously heal situations, to change all darkness to light and fear to love. ...Our job is to take a deep breath, slow down, surrender all thoughts of past or future, and let the Holy Instant shine forth in our awareness. God is not daunted by our nightmares of guilt; He is ever awake to how beautiful we are. He made us that way, and so it is."

"No matter what people might have done to us-and there are people who are not nice in this world, who do terrible things-it is still our option to forgive, to rise above, to be defenseless, and also important to search our own minds and hearts for ways we might have helped create or attract their darkness. The fact that other people were bad in a situation doesn't necessarily mean you were all good."

"Being caught in anger, judgment, and blame is disempowering; it throws us out of our center; it puts us at the effect of the lovelessness of someone else. To be there for a while is one thing; to stay there and try to justify it is wrong-minded and will not lead to peace. Spirituality challenges us to detach from the purely personal, emotional aspects of a situation-in order to uplift ourselves to higher ground. That doesn't mean we don't feel our pain, our anger, our despair. But there is a way to hold such feelings in a sacred rather than chaotic way, so they heal us rather than poison us."

"God could more than compensate for whatever damage had been done, for "what man intends for evil, God intends for good." As long as I held back my forgiveness, however, I held back my own healing as well. If I could forgive what had happened to me, I would become deeper and more prepared to serve Him. It is none of my business what happens to others who were involved in this drama. The only drama that matters is the one in my own head and heart. If I can come to understand that no lies, no injustice, no transgression of any kind can begin to touch who I essentially am, then I will receive the greatest prize of all: I will learn who I essentially am."

Incredible.

I know this may not make much sense to some of you...not knowing or rather "understanding" where all of this is coming from. However on this very day...in this very hour...these words are healing to me.

Forgiving those who are undeserving doesn't seem logical. And I'm sure that on this side of my life, I will never have the opportunity to look someone in the eye and offer my forgiveness. Yet I know that in my heart, it is something I am called to do. For my sake, for his sake, and for the sake of my son.

And the realization that I truly have the best part of my son's dad...makes it easier to do!

Clouds...

I have had this extreme fascination with clouds lately. It began during the trip to Seattle when I began to take notice of certain "formations" in them. I saw things that resembled a smiley face (like the one on the t-shirt worn in Forrest Gump), a teddy bear, and the most unusual, Pluto laying down as if he were sleeping on the clouds. Crazy, I know but he was THERE!

And then Wednesday as I was driving home from work, I saw what appeared to be a cherub. It was beautiful and had I not been on a four-lane interstate in rush hour traffic I would have stopped to take a picture!

So the past few days I have been thinking about clouds...and why all of a sudden I have this little fascination.

It has been quite some time since we have seen clouds where I live...as a child I remember searching the skies for funnel clouds and being mesmerized more than frightened when I would locate one. I don't think I've ever been afraid of a storm. I think back then I felt that when a storm came, my mom and dad would always protect me and my brothers from whatever came our way. I have vivid memories of when "things were bad" my dad would wake us up and move us down into the basement. I loved this! It was almost considered a "treat" (in my opinion) in which our entire family would have a "slumber party"! Now when I look at he clouds I am reminded of those times...and almost hoping that a storm will approach. We get very minimal thunder and lightening, which is something I desperately miss...

And there's something about clouds that reminds me of cotton candy. I'm sure it has to do with them both having a "fluffy" appearance, and cotton candy has always been a weakness for me. Love the sugar!
And then there's the fact that I always envision the clouds being "home" for loved ones who have left this world...it's comforting to me when I imagine my grandparents hanging out in the clouds...watching over me.

Last night I discovered some shocking (to say the least) news...and I'm still reeling. News that not only had an affect on me but also on the one most precious to me. I am struggling with so many emotions, most of which I haven't felt in quite some time. Not knowing how to handle them, wanting to lash out and breakdown and cry both at the same time. Emotions of anger, bitterness, pain, disappointment, sadness, regret, judgment, animosity, condemnation, confusion, question, sympathy, accusation (just to name a few)...not to mention the fact that "names" to describe a certain someone have rolled off my tongue with great ease. And I'm not proud of that...at all. (even though part of me feels this is all "justifiable")

So this afternoon on my drive home from work I clearly heard the voice of God. I still struggle with what He was speaking to me, and I'll need encouragement to keep me in line with what He revealed.

First of all, He reminded me that He made the clouds and sets them in motion...and what I've been thinking as a "fascination" with them recently has simply been His reminder to me.

...to look "up"...always.

What I'm going through is no surprise to Him. What I'm going through has a purpose for me and for Nick. And that no matter what, this is not a situation for me to place "judgment" upon another person...no matter how bad it hurts. It's not fair...it's not easy...and it's not deserving...but as a child of God, I believe we are called to forgive, and to love the unlovable.

I had to work at the church tonight...and tonight was a night I didn't really want to be there...however as I pulled in the parking lot, I got these...

...reminding me that he's always there. To listen, to comfort, and to "protect" as a father does. All I need to do...is look up.

Our Trip to Seattle

So our long-awaited "road trip" to Seattle has come and gone...

THANKFULLY, by brother Josh agreed to accompany Nick and I which really put my mind (and nerves) at ease. Even though I drove the trip in it's entirety it was so nice to know that I had someone to "look after" Nick and I should we have had any problems.

We left bright and early which was a good thing. We made it to Anderson and knew that we'd have to stop at Wal-Mart to pick up chains due to the weather they were getting in Shasta. This was the first "official" picture from the trip...

After spending a good half hour in an attempt to put the chains on the car, we were informed that the roads were still ok, and that chains weren't required (which was a good thing because I have no idea whether or not Josh actually possessed the knowledge of putting the chains on).

I have forgotten what winter weather does to your car!



We arrived safe and sound and it only took us about twelve hours. I've learned that on trips like that, no one is ever on the same "potty" schedule and people are always hungry!

While we were visiting Seattle we stayed with my aunt and her family. I still can't believe that I have lived in California 13 years now and have never made it up north to visit them!

This next shot is a view of Mt. Rainer taken from the deck of their house...

Sunday morning Barb took Nick and I to 5-Mile Park which was just up the street from the house. (judging by the name I thought we may actually have to walk 5 miles, but it was a small park!)

And after the park we had the opportunity to make it downtown to the market which reminded me a little of Fisherman's Wharf and I really enjoy places like that. We found a cute little place to eat, and this is what I had for lunch:

The food was amazing!

That night Nick and I went to our "event" (which I will blog about later).

Monday Barb and Jay decided to take us to Snoqualmie Falls. While we waited for the fog to burn off we walked through this cute little town and I could have spent an entire day "small town hopping"... There's just something about old logging towns that I am drawn to.

Granted, the hike to the falls wasn't 7.6 miles as it was with Feather Falls a few weeks ago, but it was still a "hike".

We had such a great visit with our family and I am really hoping that we can get back up there again soon.


We left pretty early Tuesday morning to head into Portland. Once we found a hotel, Josh met up with a friend of his from the Coast Guard and Nick and I decided to head downtown for a bit before our other event at the arena (that I will blog about later).

I wish we would have had some more time to spend in Portland as well, but knew we had a trek in front of us as we journeyed back home...
A view of Mt. Shasta that we couldn't see on the drive up because of the snow...

BOSCO!!!

So this past weekend we finally had the opportunity to take advantage of our "visitation rights" with Bosco and ventured out to his new home to take him for a walk.

It has been almost two months since we have seen him and Nick has been so worried that Bosco would forget who he was. However, as soon as we arrived he was literally all over Nick and I. It was incredible, and kind of sad at the same time.

He is in a GREAT place. I have always been a dog-lover, and as a kid we always had one (or two...and even 18 at one time!) but living in an apartment and working two jobs, I soon realized it's not fair to the dog. So we found a new home for him, with so much room to run and just be a puppy! I am so grateful to have friends that take such great care of him and the best part is, we can visit whenever we want. I can't wait to take the opportunity to do that again!

...Nick giving Bosco some love....

"Got Miracles?"

...This past week at work, I spent some time reading. (shh, don't tell my boss!) Some days I simply get to my wit's end with paperwork and my subconscious whispers (sometimes screams) in my ear, "girlfriend, you need a break!"...so I take it!

Aside from work, the little hamster in my brain has been running around his wheel in overdrive, and truthfully I wish he'd just stop! Analyzing, re-analyzing, worrying, anticipating, questioning. Yes...I feared I was reaching the point in which I could "potentially" break down. This was when I realized that it wasn't my "subconscious" talking to me this week, but rather Someone bigger.

The first thing that entered my thoughts was something I had written in my little "25 Random Things About Me" last week.

"I try to remind myself that no matter how bad I think things may be...somewhere there is someone who would feel differently if placed in my shoes."

This is something I firmly believe in...but must remind myself of constantly!

I have a friend...(I have a couple of friends but there is one in particular) that has been on my mind. She and her husband are presently playing the "waiting" game in regards to her husband's health. They are Christians and their faith is strong, yet I can't imagine the days coming and going without any "solid" answers. Please pray for them...

I have another friend who I had the opportunity to spend the day with last weekend. We both enjoy photography and in a conversation that day I had mentioned how important I feel pictures are...because they capture memories. And then she said something that I hope I never forget. She shared with me the fact that yes, "capturing" those moments on film is great to do, however it's more important to "live" in those moments while they are happening.

Now...do you want to know what I read this week?

"We find it easier to analyze what happened in the past and to imagine what might happen in the future than to show up fully for the present."

"A common mistake is to base our thoughts on yesterday's circumstances, not realizing that those circumstances are simply the reflection of thoughts we're now free to change."

"As long as you keep thinking in limited terms, disbelieving in the possibility of infinite possibility in your life, then you will never experience the miracles God has in store for you."

"A miracle occurs when we ask God to intervene between our past and future, cancel out all fear, and release us to new beginnings. A God who will part the seas and raise the dead has no difficulty solving your problems. His is a radical power to repair and restore."

"Every point in life's journey is inherently preparing us for our future in ways that the rational mind cannot possibly comprehend."
"Regardless of where we're going tomorrow, it's important to bless where we are and enjoy the fruits of today."

And so I'm wrestling with trying to learn (and accept) that every moment is a miracle. I say "wrestling" because it sounds so simple...it sounds so wonderful, yet I feel as though we've been "taught" to think and plan ahead, which in turn causes me to worry, to question, to analyze.

If I could...I would spend every free moment I had sitting in the rocking chair at church holding a child. (my child if he'd let me...or if he wouldn't crush me!) I have discovered that to be one of the most serene places. To snuggle with a little one...to calm and comfort them when they see mom or dad walking away...to have them smile and giggle once you've gained their trust. Living in those moments...and thanking God for blessing me with them.

...Miracles...

Watching my baby brother on stage. How is this a miracle? I'm glad you asked. As I was crouched down taking pictures at his show last night, it dawned on me. First of all, I am so incredibly proud that he has such a "dream" and that he's pursuing it. Not only pursuing it, but with a passion. I am in awe every time I see him perform. My mom was 39 when she had him. The very first doctor visit upon discovering she was pregnant, the doctor advised her that "because of her age" she may want to consider terminating the pregnancy. (Note:this was not our primary family doctor but some other clown who happened to step in on the appointment) Thankfully my parents didn't heed to his "advice".

...the hamster has stopped momentarily and I'm enjoying the peace. God spoke to me this week and for that, I am grateful.