Getting Here

Sitting on an American Airlines flight last week, I was overwhelmed with one simple, yet complex question:

How did I get here?

One day I was preparing for a trip to Alabama, the next day I was informed that the trip would have to be postponed. Disappointment took over my emotions yet I tried my best to accept the situation for what it was. Disappointment has become an unwanted companion of mine for many years. So I spent the next few days convincing myself and living by the motto, “it is what it is” as well as telling myself that somehow it would all work out. And rarely does this happen, but I believed those words.

And within a week, I was heading on an outbound flight from Sacramento, California to San Juan, Puerto Rico.

The flight was completely full. There were screaming toddlers, happy couples holding hands, and one stewardess that was clearly having a bad day. I rested my head against the window and looked outside at the terrain thousands of feet below me. Closing my eyes and fighting off the unsettled nerves that danced around inside of me, the question resurfaced:

How did I get here?

Landing in Dallas, Texas, my heart raced right along with my legs as I tried to figure out where the gate was located for my connecting flight. Even though I had a few hours I wanted to make sure I was where I needed to be even if I got there two hours early.

Could it be that I am finally where I need to be?

Relationships have never come easy for me. Don’t get me wrong, I know “relationships aren’t easy” but I can’t help but hope that one will come along that will be easier than they have been for me over the past 20 years. My best friend who has stood beside me during the good, the bad and the ugly has always been there to encourage me that I deserved more. And I always wondered how easy it was for her to feel that way. She and her husband have been married nearly 17 years. How could she possibly understand what is…or isn’t out here in the “world of singles.”

…but I’m nearly convinced that she has always known much more than I could possibly give her credit for.

After boarding my connecting flight and being in the air for a few hours, the overcast sky that surrounded Dallas had turned into a perfect view of the burning red sun that eventually caught up with the horizon. I sat in my window seat glancing back until everything above and beneath me was completely black.

It was then that I pondered the symbolism between the darkened night and my past relationships.

Occasionally a relationship will end mutually, with the understanding of both involved, that things just aren’t meant to be. There are also the ones that end with the words, “What was I thinking?” And then there are the ones that end in extreme heartache. The heartache that ultimately leaves you with the impression or assumption that maybe you are meant to spend the rest of your life alone. While that statement has haunted me more times than I can count, I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it for me…

How did I get here?

A combination of those three scenarios…

Feeling the descent of the aircraft, the nerves once again bounced around inside of me. But they were no longer “unsettling” nerves. They were nerves of anticipation, because waiting for me outside of the baggage claim was the reason that I was stepping foot in San Juan. Someone I couldn’t wait to see. The answer to my question…

He was the one person I wanted to be standing next to when the final second of 2010 ticked away, and he was the first person I wanted to be next to when 2011 came to be. I wanted to walk away from the old and into the new with him. And it all worked out…

Four days didn’t seem like enough time…and before I knew it I was once again standing in the San Juan airport to head back home. After a handful of goodbyes and walking the dreadful steps to the security checkpoint I glanced back to see a man in his Army fatigues watching me with a smile…

The flight back home was long, but hopeful. I thought about every single moment in my life that led me to where I am. The heartaches, disappointments, the “what was I thinking” situations. They all got me here and I am thankful for each and every one.

And right now there’s no place I’d rather be.