Another Reminder...

Tonight I am sitting around, not really knowing where I want to take this blog post. Part of me just wants to post pictures and be done with it, but a much, much bigger part of me sits here with a heavy heart and senses God nudging me to simply, "write." ...I don't even have the energy to argue with God over this tonight!

Right now I feel a lot like the people you see in videos and movies walking in slow motion while the rest of the universe is blasting past. I am taking careful notice of where my focus is, on people and circumstances, while the rest of society is busy with moving through life as though nothing else is going on around them.

I was strolling through Walmart Saturday night and it dawned on me, that this was the last weekend for the next few months that I will be able to step into this store and feel "sane."

On my drive to the store I noticed the bright colorful Christmas lights that someone has already put up around their home.

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is this week and that I have absolutely no clue how I want to tackle Christmas this year. The Holidays should be pleasantly prepared for. Stress should not play a factor in the celebrations, yet somehow it weasels its way in there.



I'm not ready for it this year...


So I'm trying to slow down just a bit and reflect on what's been going on all around and inside me.




I've been thinking a lot about the broken and the hurting. Funny how it works that way for me personally. Right about the time that I make the remark, "being single stinks" or something similar, God smacks me on the head and reminds me that my "pity me woes" are so tedious, so unimportant, and so...selfish.

...I have a roof over my head.
...I have a bank account.
...I have clothes on my back.
...I have food in my cupboards.
...I have a car to drive.
...I have a job to go to.
and
...I have a son that deserves my attention more than a companion.


My heart is heavy...and I am questioning myself as to how I can make a difference that will impact my child as well as others.

Our first step was Operation Christmas Child, which I have supported for several years now. "Together" we would choose the articles to place in the shoe boxes, one for a boy and one for a girl. I wanted to teach him the gift of giving to others. This year he opted to stay home from our shopping spree which has encouraged me even more to take another step.

Saturday morning Nick took part in his first youth group "Turkey Bowl" flag football game. During this time a youth leader had asked me what our plans were for Thanksgiving Day and invited us over for dinner. I had to pass on the invite, but then he asked if we'd be interested in tagging along with them later on in the day to take some food down to the river bottoms for a few homeless families. I didn't hesitate with a "We'd love to!!!" Aside from the occasional person we see standing on the street corners, Nick has never encountered a homeless person, not to mention a homeless family. I am so thankful that this opportunity has been given to us and look forward to sharing this experience with my 13 year old son.



This morning in church was such an unexpected blessing for so many reasons.

Upon arriving, I was chatting with someone about a particular ministry that I'd been thinking about. All of a sudden, he looked at me and eagerly asked, "What would yours be?" Huh? Um... (insert awkward pause as his face was lit up while he waited to hear what I would say...)

Huh...I didn't expect that I would be challenged with such a question. Well...I guess it would have something to do with children, because I do have compassion for them.

It seemed to satisfy his inquisitiveness and he walked away, leaving me standing in a children's nursery...feeling puzzled and almost frustrated with the fact that I haven't given it much thought.


And then we had our traditional "Sunday visit" from a friend who stops by to say hello with a big smile on his face as we all wonder what is going on underneath the exterior. Our hearts break for him as he's walking through this particular season of his life. It's refreshing to see his face Sunday mornings because it's a sign and an encouragement to those who know and love him. He's proof that even when life deals us the cards we didn't hope or ask for, our faith shouldn't be shaken...

But the greatest blessing for me came through the face of a family tragedy.

I had heard the story last Sunday, but had no idea that the story involved a family I see and interact with every Sunday morning.

A mom and dad were dropping off their son and nephew to leave in our care while they attended service. As I was checking them in, the mom mentioned that they had her brother's youngest child while her sister-in-law was dropping off the older one next door. I don't even remember what it was exactly that she said, but I will never forget the pain that I saw in her beautiful, yet broken spirit as I took this little boy out of her arms. About two weeks ago, this six month old baby boy's father took his own life. No one knows or can even begin to understand why...but it happened. And this family's world has been shattered.
I couldn't take my eyes off of him...
and I still can't wrap my mind around what they are all going through...



...Every so often as we care for little ones during a church service, God gives us a moment when we have the opportunity to have one eye on the kids and one eye/ear on the monitor. This morning's moment was heartbreaking, but so bittersweet.



There was a woman on stage with our pastor, and she was about to read a poem that she had written in memory of her son. She was the grandmother of this beautiful little boy who was playing on the floor in the room next door...


The room of toddlers grew quiet as she spoke in gratitude and brokenness, pouring her heart out to the church body, and in the end, lifting her hands in the air and giving thanks and praise to our great God.
The God who never leaves us, especially in the midst of tragedy.

What a beautiful moment...

What a challenging day for me personally.

As I sit, and way too often reflect on my life and some days, if it were up to me, feel as though I wouldn't choose to be at this point in my journey...

...I should be married.

...I want more kids.

But then I get reminders like today.

I have to be honest...when I was taking these pictures today, I was so frustrated with Nick. He couldn't stand still. I had a particular "picture" in my mind and wanted to capture it, I even jumped on him for pointing to the sky...

And now I can clearly see that it was God's final reminder to me on this very day. He graciously used my son to be the "messenger."

"Look up, Angie. Your life isn't about what you want. It's all about what I have planned for you...and it's enough."