Not "Just" a Sunset

Whenever a storm comes through, I have an extreme urge to jump in my car and take a drive. You see to me, the sky is never more beautiful than when it is filled with storm clouds and the different shades of blues and sometimes even pinks.

Yesterday afternoon I missed the hail storm that brought along thunder and lightning, but the "aftermath" resulted in an absolutely amazing sky, so at dusk I decided to take a little trip.

After this quick stop I drove around to the other side of the Buttes in hopes to catch the sunset. Which I did...

I sat there for about 20 minutes and snapped picture after picture, enjoying one of my favorite moments of the day.

I found myself thinking about how beautiful the sky gets shortly after a storm has passed and how the very same thing can be said of our lives as well.

We find ourselves in the eye of a storm, sometimes fighting for what we believe in, wrestling with our situations, or simply riding that storm out, waiting for the beauty that will be showcased once the storm passes.

I learned something else as I was out and about that night. As the sun was setting, and the time became late, I decided I needed to pack up and head back into town. A few minutes down the road I glanced to the West and saw this amazing glow of golden yellow bursting from the sun into the sky.

...the beauty intensified after the sun had actually set.

I had become, in a sense...impatient because it was getting late. I witnessed a beautiful sunset and thought "that was it." Yet the beauty became even more amazing. And had I been more patient, I would have had the opportunity to stand in awe, soak that beauty in completely, and be thankful to have had the opportunity to see something so incredible unfold.

In life...I do the same. I rush, I become impatient, and usually miss the complete beauty that comes when the storm passes. So the next time I catch myself saying, "Well, that was it..." and begin to move on, I am going to remember what happened with the sunset and watch for the end result...the beauty of life...to intensify.

Resistance

As I was driving home one day last week, I had my window rolled down simply enjoying the weather. Cruising at a decent speed on the county road I placed my outstretched arm out my window. My hand bounced up and down to the resistance of the wind as it opposed the direction I was heading.

I continued to keep my arm outside the window for a while and eventually this got me to thinking…

Resistance…oh how this word and its definition seems to find its way into my life more often than I’d like it to.

Resistance, as defined by Dictionary.com
1. the act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding.
2. the opposition offered by one thing, force, etc., to another.
3. opposition to an attempt to bring repressed thoughts or feelings into consciousness.

I resist…even when I don’t know that I do.

Last week, God brought me face to face with the brutal reality that at this very moment in my life I…am resisting.

I try to make it a daily habit to look at my life (where I am, the things that I’ve done, and the things that I need to do), submit to my failures and my iniquities, bring forth any uncertainties or questions that I feel should be addressed, and finally seek counsel through asking for the direction I ought to go from there. Some days, I find resolution. But there are some days in which I don’t feel I can hear what that resolution is. And because I can’t hear it, I go my own way, sometimes making assumptions, or excuses as to what my next move “should” be. And that, my friends…is the beginning of my resistance.

Before I know it, I am a flailing arm out the car window, forcing its way against 60 mph winds. Getting nowhere.

So I have taken this word and opened myself up to tackling it head on.

The very next day was another windy one in northern California. My drive home had me observing some poor little birds as they fought with all their might to fly against that wind. And as I watched them I thought to myself, “Now why on earth are they fighting the opposing winds rather than going with the wind and soaring with hardly any effort at all?”

It was as if God said, “Um, Angie…why don’t you ask yourself that very same question? Why is it that you choose the difficulty of resistance with your life, rather than trusting enough in Me? I will let you soar, you just need to be willing to trust.”

Fighting the urge to do things my way is extremely difficult for me. But God has reminded me that surrendering every part of my life isn’t impossible to do.

There is a beauty that is revealed when we end the fight of resistance. Before we know it, God's winds pick up and carry us on a brand new journey. A journey with possibilities we can't even begin to fathom on our own. The struggle to battle the brutal winds of opposition is lifted, as He gives us the freedom in trusting in His ways.

God doesn’t love me any less when I resist. He just waits on me to submit everything to Him in order for that beauty to unfold…

Trusting in a Hard Drive

Last year at Christmas, I was given a gift that I never would have thought to ask for. And when I opened it, I didn't even have the slightest idea what it actually was. So with a hesitant, "Wow" expression of gratitude, I said thank you to my parents and thankfully a few moments later my dad was quick enough to see that I was clueless and explained that it was an external hard drive for my computer...to use as a back up for my gazillion pictures that I have on my Dell.

The following day or two after Christmas, he sat down with the new device and began showing me how to use it and backing files up for me. He also admired the gift, mentioning that a piece of machinery like it, was something "computer literate" people could only dream about 10 years ago. You see, a terabyte can hold an "x" # of megabytes, or gigabytes...or something. :)

...He lost me at the word "terabyte."

This was five months ago. The hard drive sits in my dresser drawer with cables and instructions. I have taken it out once to back up files and then placed it back in it's new home.

It intimidates me. It makes me apprehensive. And it scares me.

I have photo files on my laptop, on my desktop at work, on memory cards and hundreds of cds. Some of the files are on this handy little piece of computer genius, but not nearly all. And the ones that are on the hard drive remain on my laptop for "safe-keeping."

...Until devastation occurs and the Dell crashes, I know...

As I was driving to work this morning I was thinking about my failure to trust in that hard drive. And not just in my not trusting it, but even the doubt in myself that I will be able to transfer the files successfully.

It's a little silly when I stop and think about it, because at any given moment someone could break into my house and steal both the computer and the hard drive, or there could be a fire, or a flood, etc. The bottom line is, anything could happen at any given moment in which both would be destroyed.

So I had concluded that I need to get over my petty little mistrust issues and simply utilize the gift I've been given to its fullest capacity.

Well, my thoughts this morning didn't stop there. As I was having this conversation with myself in my Honda, and I mentally spoke that statement above, God intervened as he often does, with a "h-hum."

He gripped my soul and continued to speak to me about those "petty little mistrust issues" that run deeper than gadgets. They have a tenancy to consume my being.

Where is my life heading to?

How did I get here and how on earth can I get out?

What is my purpose?

Am I missing something here?

They are little seeds of question that completely dry up when fed with "doubt" and without being nourished by the simple ingredient of "trust."

For trust being one of the most words used in the Bible, it seems to be the one thing that I have the most difficulty committing myself to. Just when I think I'm doing the right thing, or walking in the way God is leading me, doubt and insecurity weasel their way into my life and I automatically wrestle with my will vs. His. And "trust" is pushed to the side...

...Until God intervenes in a way that only He can.

"Get over your petty little mistrust issues and simply utilize the gift you've been given to its fullest capacity."

Our gift is life. And when we are fearful of letting go or consumed with the little things that we can't control, we are hindering ourselves from being able to allow God to do His work in and through us. Work that glorifies Him and blesses us. Have you ever stopped to realize that is how God works? He's honored and glorified and in turn He does the unimaginable for us! All we have to do is trust Him enough. He'll pull through.

He always has and He always will.

The bottom line in life is that at any given moment, when our ways, wants, and wills crumble and fail, all God wants us to do is to trust in Him. Because His never will.

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him...

-Psalm 37:3-7

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

-Psalm 143:8, 10

Survivor

As I am typing and thinking, I have the beginning intro of the CBS Survivor reality show playing over and over in my mind…

…20 Castaways
…39 Days
…Who will become the next ultimate “sole” survivor?

For those who know me, you know I am not an avid television watcher. And up until this most recent Survivor season of “Heroes vs. Villains” I had not watched a complete season of Survivor since 2001 when it was in its second season in the Australian Outback.

I have joked continuously of my reason for watching this season as being the return of Colby Donaldson, a native Texan who was runner-up in Australia. My favorite “Survivor” had returned and yes, this was the initial reason why I became determined to watch it this time around…

However as the show progressed, I noticed that my “dear Colby” was playing the game a bit differently. It seemed as though he had lost a tremendous amount of passion that he carried with him 9 years ago. And while he was still an enjoyable addition to this season, my attention poured over into the other players of the game and I observed more of others’ behavioral patterns. Most of them I loved to hate, and some of them won my admiration. And there were a few in particular that disgusted me with their attitudes, their words, and their strategy. A strategy that would either make them a millionaire, or cause them to walk away with nothing more than they had when they started the game…

As Nick and I sat down late Sunday evening to catch what was left of the season finale, several thoughts were running through my mind. Colby had been voted out. He had become the “last of the dying breed” so to speak of the Heroes tribe. And the final three that were competing for the million dollar Survivor crown had very different qualities. Russell, who was a villain by all definitions of the word. There was nothing decent about him. He was foul-mouthed, extremely egotistical, deceitful, and down right dirty. He used and abused throughout the entire season and made no effort to show any form of dignity, honesty or integrity whatsoever. Parvati, who was stunningly beautiful but blatantly conniving. Watching her play the game was like watching a Diva acting on the big screen. And then there was Sandra, the “wanna be good girl but not quite sure how…” villain. From day one you could tell that she had a heart and was genuinely honest, but unfortunately was placed on an island with a group of people that were (for the most part) heart-less.

As the jury of 17 stood one by one to question and accuse there were a few moments of goodness in this can-get-extremely-wicked reality show...

One jury member mentioned how "loyalty" is overlooked in the game of Survivor and is something people view as a weakness when it is actually a huge strength. Another one commended Sandra for repeatedly opening a door for them and apologized for continuously slamming it back in her face.

With all of that being said, I was thrilled to see Sandra walk away with the million dollars. It was a moment of good overcoming evil and justice being played out.

So. My thoughts have been focused on the similarities between the “reality show” Survivor and the reality of being a survivor in the way we live our lives on earth.

Our goal in life shouldn’t be to “outwit. outlast. outplay.” Our goal should be to live our lives well. To live in a way that builds others up, not tears them down. To live our lives with integrity. To live our lives with honor and truth. And to live our lives glorifying the One who gives us life.

I fail. I think we all fail at some points in time. From simple misunderstandings, to being pressured into things by others, or the ways of this world. Sometimes life gets difficult, the journey gets frustrating, and the results of the pressure, stress, and impatience lead to sin. More often than not the sin is unintentional and can eventually consume and ultimately hinder us from becoming the people we were created to be…

So what do we do? What can we do to survive a world that so often is against us and usually the will that God has for us?

In “Survivor-land,” the answer is typically to fight evil with evil. To become more deceitful than the one playing the game next to you. To lie, to steal, and to cheat others. To thrive on their failures, take advantage of their weaknesses, and look out for yourself and yourself only.

God says love. Forgive.

The world says walk away. Resent.

How sad. Sad that I became so enthralled by a television show that portrays such behavior. Sad that a big part of the world chooses to follow such destructive ways…

Our goal as Christians is NOT to become the “sole” survivor, but to help save souls for our eternal destination. So when life is difficult to understand, pray. When someone hurts you, forgive. When you hurt others, seek forgiveness. When someone appears to be unlovable, LOVE.

Don't lose the passion that God has placed within you. And embrace loyalty as a strength.

Our journey in life is not to judge others for how they act or what they do, but to love them for who God created them to be. It is not to condemn. We are not to harbor bitterness, but to let bitterness go and let God work in our lives and the lives of others to heal.

At the end of our time on earth, we will be judged by how we lived and what we did with the life we were given. And rather than Jeff Probst tallying the votes to see if we’ve won the title of the “ultimate sole Survivor” we will stand face to face with our Creator. And our desire is to hear Him say these words…

“Well done, good and faithful servant!” –Matthew 25:21

Child Rearing

Thursday evenings have been dubbed “family cleaning night” for as long as I can recall. Typically, this has been an evening of frustration because for me…I enjoy a clean house, but after a long work day I can usually think of other things I would rather be doing. But we don’t. We clean…maybe I should dub it “sacrificial cleaning night.”

Anyway…as I was going through my room I found myself once again walking over my son’s belongings. The scattering of empty soda cans, empty candy wrappers, bags of chips, shoes, school books, you name it, it finds itself dumped in my room. All because of one thing. An X-Box. My ever-so-thoughtful younger brother decided that it would be a great idea to purchase my son an X-Box live card for his birthday last year so Nick can play online with friends and relatives all across the country. Sounds like a fun idea…except for the fact that the only room with an Internet hook-up just so happens to be my room. I had no idea where this birthday gift was going to lead…

So it is a constant struggle and a very frequent nagging that goes on between my only child and I. “Throw your trash away. My room is not a garbage can.” “Walk your empty can to the kitchen.” “Your shoes do not belong on my bedroom floor!” And so on. I come home and he is sprawled out on my bed with a headset on, laughing, bag of chips at his side pretty much every day. At least he gets his homework done, right?

Last night as I gathered his junk out of my room in my cleaning frenzy I looked at him calmly and said “Nick, I am not going to raise my voice tonight over this matter. I am giving you one more chance and am going to say this again. I’m through with the threats, if you can’t treat my room with respect I will remove the video game console or put a lock on my door.” His response, “I know, mom. I will.”

An hour passes by and I have made my way out into the family room where a school binder laid on the couch. “Nick!” He walked out and I asked him to take it and put it where it belongs. He picked it up and said, “I’m just going to set it here (which was about five steps from where it was) because I need to put it in my backpack for school tomorrow.” Um… “No, Nick you can take it down to your room and put it with your school bag now. It does not belong on the kitchen counter either.” He took it and stomped through the kitchen to the other end of the house.

About ten minutes later I walked into my room to find Nick comfortably lying on my bed…with the binder at his side! Mind you…his room is the room before mine. He walked right past it and still couldn't follow instructions. So there I stood (I’m pretty sure with my hands on my hips and a red face) and I said, “Are you kidding me, Nick? Your binder does NOT belong on my bed!” I don’t even think he flinched. So I picked it up and in a calm voice, said, “Enjoy this game you’re playing, because it will be the last one you play for a while.” He screamed in response, which only made my decision more evident and after a few minutes he stormed out of my room and into his. I took the game out of the console and both controllers, placed them in a bag and in the trunk of my car. Then I explained to him that if he couldn’t change his behavior, the Play Station would be next, and then his phone.

*sigh* I really hate having to be the disciplinarian.

It hasn’t even been 24 hours and my heart still stirs regarding this situation. How is it that a stupid video game can become such a catalyst for an argument between a mother and child? What is so difficult in realizing that all I’m trying to do is teach him respect and organizational skills? I know “he’s a boy.” And I know that he’s not only a boy, but a teenage boy.

As I was at the church last night I was speaking to my friend about this situation. In a sense, he has unknowingly allowed this X-Box to become a form of idolatry. He can’t see it. And I don’t even think at his age I fully understood what idolatry was. It has become the number one issue between my son and I.

The funny thing was, as I was explaining the situation I accused and defended Nick’s addiction at the same time. “I think he enjoys the cyber-interaction with kids so far away. Kids that he’s met through his cousin, but they are friends he’s made and really connects with because it’s “safe” for him. He reminds me a lot of how I was at his age. Wanting to be liked but never really falling into the popular crowd. But in “cyber-world” maybe he has the social status that he desires. And it’s just...safe.”

At that moment, I locked eyes with my friend and we both realized that the words I had just spoken were echoes of a conversation we had this past weekend in regards to me and my own relationships. But that God-incident is for another blog…

As I was driving to work this morning I was thinking about one of God’s other lessons in all of this.

For as much as I hate disciplining Nick, I couldn’t help but think about how God must feel when the appropriate time comes for Him to discipline us. Those times in which we’re moving along in the fast lane of life, and life is amazing. Finances are good, relationships are in place, and we’re making and taking time for ourselves without a care in the world. And then God steps in. Traffic gets congested, the red lights are eternal, and we run out of gas or get a flat tire.

“Inconveniences” usually surface as God’s way to catch our attention and open our hearts to the realization that something needs to be worked on and possibly altered. He tweaks the heart in a way that breaks the heart in order to get us back in line with trusting His will for us. He doesn’t discipline in order to cause us pain, although it usually does. He does so because He cares too much about us to allow us to live our lives carelessly. He is the only One who sees our destination and the only One who knows what it is going to take to get us there. Video games that become a distraction and possible destruction of family relationships. Unhealthy relationships that prevent you from developing into the person He created you to become. God is love, and because He is, He disciplines. Painful though it may be.

So next time the fast lane comes to a crawl, the red light stays red for hours, the tire goes flat or you misread your gauge and you run out of gas, rather than chalking it up to “inconvenience,” stop and question what it is in your life that God is asking you to alter.

There may be an accident up ahead that you don’t see…

because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

-Proverbs 3:12

Water

May is finally HERE! For some reason…I have been contemplating May becoming my favorite month out of the year. I suppose it has a little to do with the idea of the year inching closer to the half-way mark, the weather being close to perfect, and God’s creation brightening up the landscape all around us. Seeing flowers in bloom has become a reminder to me that renewal is ever-present and if we are conscious enough to take a panoramic view around us, hope abounds. Always.

I started the month off with taking a little trip into the mountains. Initially, the beach was to be our destination, but plans changed (i.e. communication lacked) and we settled on a trip in the opposite direction.

Sometimes I feel as though I take the mountains for granted. You can see them in the distance practically every day, but seldom do I explore them. On this particular day I found myself drawn to the rushing waters of the river and streams. The sound of water flowing and sometimes raging is an exceptionally peaceful sound to me. Strange, when in effect a raging river can be one of life’s greatest dangers. Yet “water” is referenced in the Bible as something entirely opposite…

And so I got to thinking about the story of the Samaritan woman by the well.

Taking a casual, possibly "routine" stroll to the well to gather some water she finds a man awaiting her. The man is looking a little tired, and obviously thirsty, for he asks her for a drink. Confused as to why he would ask such a request of her not to mention speak to her because in that day and age, Jews and Samaritans did not associate with one another.

And then this man...speaks to her about what he calls "living water." Now, if this were me...it would be very likely that I would think of this character as a crazy man and probably turn to walk, maybe even run away. But she stayed.

The whole scenario sounds a little strange. Why would someone ask for water, and then claim that he has the capability to offer what he's calling "living water?" Water that when consumed will quench a thirst for all eternity. She takes the bait, and inquires of him how she can possess what he's offering.

And then...he does what we might in this day and age refer to as "calling someone out." He tells her to go and call her husband. Again...if this were me I might have reached the point of ultimate discomfort, tucked my tail between my legs in shame and turned away. But she stands firm and responds with, "I have no husband." I wonder if she spoke under her breath and said, "I have five and am working on my sixth!"

He continues by explaining the differences in worship between Jews and Samaritans...ministering to her in a way that I'm pretty sure she never had been. Perhaps she was confused as she responded by saying, "I know that the Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us." -John 4:25

Verse 26 goes on to say, Then Jesus declared, "I who speak to you am he." Here would be the moment that I would hope to react the same way in which the Samaritan woman did.

Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, "Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?" vs. 28-29

What an incredible piece of the Bible. It's crazy to sit and ponder what it would have been like to be her. Just an ordinary girl encountering Christ. A gal with a painful past. A sinner. A girl who desires to have a pure heart but not quite sure how she can go about obtaining one, or maybe not quite sure she was ready to step into a life of faith and of trust when the life she was living was the only life she had ever known. She was stuck in a life in which her decisions had become her circumstances. Yet on one ordinary day, something extraordinary happened.

She encountered the One Person who could save her...

Being reminded of this story has made me look at my life and realize...I am her. It's a different time and a different place, but it's the same Jesus.

I think that the greatest part in this whole piece of Scripture was the fact that she forgot her water jar. She was so utterly excited to share her story with others that she forgot the reason she went to the well in the first place. She was so overwhelmed that this Man knew everything about her. Her failings, her shortcomings, her ultimate sins, and yet freely offered salvation to her. And she couldn't wait to share.

This should make each and every one of us have a deep desire to have that kind of encounter with Jesus. Whether we're sitting at His feet in shame, seeking His council, or simply just being in His presence. How amazing would it be to feel so at peace, and maybe even so overwhelmed and awestruck that we forget the reason we actually came.