The Golden Gate Experience

"Don't ever let the grass grow under your feet."

These are the words someone recently spoke to me.
I would have to say that this person knows me all too well!

Of all the things a person can be remembered for, I would feel pretty honored to have others think of me and say, "You know...she was always doing something. She would take her free time and make meaningful moments out of it."

This past weekend was a three day "holiday" weekend, so on Monday I decided that I would take Nick and a friend and head to the coast. I love the coast. I love the beauty of things seen, and unseen. I love the smell of the ocean air and the sound of the waves breaking onto the shore. There's something so serene about it all. Watching seagulls soaring with the direction of the wind. Observing the water as it descends from the shore.

But most of all, my heart dances when I see the joy and freedom of my son as the beach truly brings out his childlike character.

Drake's Beach was a little foggy and cool while we were there, but it didn't hinder my son from taunting the water or jumping the waves.

After an hour or so on the beach, we decided to venture into the city where the fog lingered around the Golden Gate Bridge but no farther.

For the past few years I have had a desire to walk across the Golden Gate so with time to spare, we parked the car and headed for it. I was SO excited!

My heart was racing as the adrenaline rushed through my body and on the inside I felt young again. Fearless. And after 50 or so steps onto the bridge I hear...

"Mom, I don't want to do this. I'm not going to do this!"

I stopped, turned around while saying, "Are you kidding me?!" and then saw the fear in his pale, 13 year old face.

...I will try to reason with him...

"Nick, nothing has ever happened to this bridge. It's safe. The only time something happens is when someone deliberately jumps off committing suicide. It's foggy right now...you can't even see the bottom!"

Nick: "I don't care...I am not going!!!"

***ugh***

What I wanted to do was put him in a headlock and drag him across the bridge. I wanted to point to this sign and say, "oops...Look at that sign, we can't go back." But instead I spoke in a frustrated tone and said, "Ok. I'll do it another time when you aren't with me."

As I was driving to work this morning I was thinking about that experience in comparison to our relationship with God.

We are taught that when God calls, we are supposed to answer.

"Heed the call."

"Pick up your cross and follow me."

"Look after the widows and orphans."

"Help the poor and needy."

"Be an example to others."

Yet how many times do we fail to comply? How many times do we ignore what is stirring in our hearts? How many times do we say, "I'm just not ready." or "This is way out of my comfort zone, give me something else to do."?

Or...as in the words of my son, "I don't want to do this. I'm not going to do this!"

Dare we say such a thing to God? Maybe it doesn't audibly come out of our mouths, but if we're honest with ourselves we should certainly be able to admit to thinking it in our minds.

Poor Nick...his fear was of heights which is a pretty common fear among people. And I am fully aware of the fact that he sensed my frustration and disappointment when we turned around to head back to the car. But I also failed to realize that he was frustrated and disappointed in his own way. I'm sure he felt as if he let me down.

As if those thoughts this morning weren't enough...this next one was:

How does God respond to me when I let him down or when I'm disobedient?

God doesn't think we are a lost cause. He doesn't throw His hands in the air and say, "I'll go find someone else." And God doesn't put us in a headlock and pull us in the direction He intends for us to go. (Although sometimes I think it would be easier!)

He allows us to make U-turns. He loves us. And because He loves us, He waits. He shapes and designs. He works to strengthen us in the meantime and when we're ready...he moves.

I thank God for being who He is and for giving us His unconditional love. For showing me meaning "in" my moments.

Between the Lines

I jumped on facebook yesterday morning and saw a status update from one of my many cousins that stated she had blogged and was getting ready to take on the rest of her day. It got me to thinking about how much I've missed blogging. I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to sit down and do so...

I am sitting at my desk at work. Thankful the heat has climbed up to above 70 degrees in my office, listening to the wind and the rain outside the window, with a thermal of hot tea beside me. Wishing we had a fireplace here, I have settled with my Gold Canyon candle as an alternative. :)

It's been a while since I have been hit with a cold, but my body finally caved over the past few days and an unwelcome chest cold has settled. As I was looking for something last night to hold hot tea, my mom reminded me of my thermal mug that was sitting in the cupboard. I purchased it a few years ago and have never used it other than for shelf decor. It's a cute little thing, forest green with the word, "Trust" at the top and Proverbs 3:5-6 underneath the word. One of my favorite pieces of Scripture:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Several weeks ago, a song came into my mind as I was driving to work. Not just any song...but an OLD song. It was a foggy morning and the song was one recorded by Ricky Van Shelton, called "Keep it Between the Lines."

It's a song that disappeared from my play list a few decades ago, but when it came to mind I could easily recite it, word for word.

"Keep it Between the Lines" and Proverbs 3:5-6 intertwined for me this morning as I battled the wind thrashing against my little Honda Civic. Driving during high winds has a tendency to wear a person out. When I stepped out of my car, I felt as though I had just completed several rounds of a boxing match.

Several hours later, I sit at my desk pondering the message that God is trying to convey to me. It sounds so simple, until the winds blow. Or rain pounds on top of you. Or fog settles in. Or weariness consumes...

OR...we go outside of the lines because something looks more appealing than the road we're on. So we pull off to try and satisfy what we feel may be missing. Something on the shoulder looks more appealing. More enticing. More..."fun." We have desires we feel are unmet. Expectations unfulfilled.

I have learned that it is much more difficult to "Trust" God when you have your own agenda.

My devotional this morning challenged me. It was titled "Redirected" and spoke of the story of Joseph. Here was a boy who stayed between the lines. Was loved by his father yet hated by his brothers. His life was so promising and the Lord was with him. Even when his brothers sold him to slavery, he remained faithful and true to the Lord. He could have taken a detour off the road. If not when he was sold, surely he could have when Portiphar's wife tried to seduce him. Or when she accused him and caused his imprisonment. I highly doubt Joseph expected his life journey to take this direction.

When our dreams are shattered, how do we react? After Joseph, the favored son of Jacob, was sold as a slave by his brothers (Gen. 37:12-36), he could have given in to self-pity and self-indulgence. Instead, Joseph remained true to the Lord. Four times in Genesis 39, we read that "the Lord was with" Joseph (vv.2-3, 21,23), and his actions revealed his own faithfulness to God. By his exemplary life, those he served in Egypt recognized God's presence with him.

Do we love God more than our own dreams? Although Joseph must have grieved the loss of his past and what his life could have been, the Lord led him to a calling he had never imagined. Today, the Lord longs to lead us. Are we willing to be redirected by Him?

-David McCasland (Our Daily Bread)

It's a challenge and a fight to keep it between the lines and trust the will of God when the wind blows. And it's a challenge to stay between them and trust when you long for "more" along the journey. But God blesses the faithful. God honors the persevering. And God strengthens the weak.

Lions, Tigers, and Bears

It seems like forever since I have felt determined to sit down and blog. ...I mean really blog. I have caught myself in the middle of frustration because I haven't been able to focus on one single topic and just "go with it." As I was getting ready for work this morning, things all came together and I realized that I was once again trying to push my way into something that God was not ready to release me to do.

I want my posts to have meaning and sometimes even depth. :) And I want my posts to come from my heart. The past month or so, I feel as though I've experienced a case of "writer's block." ...and I don't even consider myself to be a writer!!!

Anyway, this morning as I was getting ready for work, I was reflecting on a trip to the snow that I took over the weekend with Nick and a small group of others from church. The snow was great. It was an absolutely beautiful day. So beautiful that the majority of us shed our warm winter jackets and gloves shortly after we arrived.

But my thoughts this morning weren't focused on the snow, or the sun, or the sledding. All I kept thinking about was the topic of discussion we had on the hour and a half drive there.

Earlier in the week, I was listening to talk radio's "Armstrong and Getty." It was a "best-of" show and they were discussing a recent study performed at UC Davis. The study was about how to react if you find yourself face to face with a mountain lion.

Originally, it was advised that you should stand still. Now they feel as though running for your life may be a better alternative. Either way, I pray to God that I never find myself in a situation where I am forced to make that kind of decision.

There was a caller on the talk show that was living in the Foothills at the time, and was out for a daily run. As he was jogging along a trail, he caught something out of the corner of his eye, stopped, and noticed a mountain lion staring at him. He began to run again and noticed the "cat" running along with him. He stopped, the mountain lion stopped. He began to jog, and the cat did the same. Fortunately, there was no actual encounter and it makes for an incredible story.

So we discussed lions, and bear, and snakes, and gators, and sharks...

And by the time we pulled off the side of the road for an unscheduled pit stop...I was so paranoid that when I heard snow falling from a tree branch to the ground I freaked out and jumped back into the truck, heart racing and palms sweaty.

"If it ever happens that I find myself face to face with a mountain lion, I am going to pray that there is a single stone nearby and that God turns me into David."

And then I wondered what I would do if this happened and Nick was with me. One of the other things discussed on the talk show was the fact that wild animals will prey on someone based on their "gait." Nick has a limp in his walk... Sure it's easy to say that I would sacrifice myself for my son's life. But what if after I've been attacked the animal goes after him next?

...then I realized that I was turning into a hypochondriac.

How many times in our everyday life do we find our hearts racing? Our palms sweaty? How many times do we "freak out," find ourselves running for cover, barely able to breathe out of fear?

Now think about this...

How many times have we missed out on something incredible, more amazing than we could possibly comprehend, rob ourselves of a joyful experience, or fail to live in the moment because of our fear?

...our fear of disappointment.

...our fear of failure.

...our fear of being hurt.

My adrenaline raced immensely on that drive as we talked about "wildlife encounters." And I am not exaggerating when I mentioned stepping out of the truck and being paranoid. I was so convinced that there was a mountain lion lurking in the bushes along the side of the road.

As we got in the truck to head home from our day in the snow I realized that in the few hours we spent laughing, playing, and enjoying the beautiful day, there wasn't a single moment that I felt that fear. And I can't help but think about how much I would have missed out on had my mind been consumed with that fear.

One of my goals in 2010 is to work through fear. Without apprehension. Without anxiety. Without timidity. Without doubt.

I may not have physically encountered a mountain lion that day.

...but I believe God handed me a stone...

A Hiatus...

Well, I think I set a record for myself regarding the longest time without blogging. I have had several intentions over the past few weeks, but every time I'd be determined to...something bigger would come up.

The past few weeks have been such a bittersweet ending to a year gone by and an optimistic glimpse of the new year to come!

My nephew's birthday was the 23rd of December and we were invited to meet them for pizza and bowling which came as a fairly big surprise. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun with my family. We laughed, we mocked one another's bowling skills and merely enjoyed each others' company. Of course yours truly had the winning game for the night...even though I am anything but competitive. :)

Christmas Eve was more of the same. When I arrived home from work the CA family was hanging out around the tree playing Christmas word scramble games.

This year I used a little of my creativity for some of my gifts. For my sister-in-law, I framed a picture of my nephew facing a sunset as well as pictures I had taken of my niece and nephew. I'm pretty sure she knew I had been up to something...but she acted surprised, and even claimed it made her cry. For my sister-in-law and I...that was a pretty big moment. My brother's girlfriend received a black and white of the Golden Gate, and my mom received pictures of the grandkids.

Nick has never been so difficult to shop for as he is at 13. UGH!!! The gift from his grandma and grandpa was a hit, though. A Sniper-looking Nerf gun. We practically had to pry it out of my 23 year-old brother's hands which made him cry... :) Not really, but he and his nephews were scattered throughout the house attacking each other until midnight while my niece enjoyed playing with the night vision binoculars that I bought for Nick.

My "big" gift was nothing I asked for...and certainly nothing I would have been smart enough to ask for. It's a good thing that my dad looks out for me. I now have an external hard drive that holds a terabyte...which means absolutely nothing to me other than it will hold a whole lot of pictures.

Aside from the gifts and watching everyone play with them...it was so amazing to just sit, as a family. In peace. In unity. And in love. For those of you who know about family dysfunction, you should know how huge it is when you all get along.

Christmas Day my dad took my mom, Nick, and I to the snow. It was a blast, and I loved having the chance to do that. I miss the snow, especially at Christmas.

December 26th was my dad's birthday. (December is a busy month for the Brooks family!) My brother's family came over for dinner and when I got home from church the majority of them were at the table playing Monopoly. I sat around with my sister-in-law and nephew, tried to blog but then my nephew asked me if I would play cards with he and his mom. Who would say no to THAT? So I sat on the floor with the two of them and we played a game called "Pit." Cute game, but it was cuter when Landon made up his own rules to the game merely to benefit his hand of cards. Which was fine...but then we got too busy laughing and giggling and tickling that it didn't even really matter. I loved seeing my sister-in-law laugh at my behavior toward her son. I don't get that much...and it was the best gift I received on this Christmas weekend.

The past few weeks, I have worked my tail off, I have spoken to dear friends, I have loved every minute I had the opportunity to hang out with my family, and I have cherished the many hours of playing Mario with Nick on Wii.

So blogging has taken the backseat, and I don't even feel bad about it.

Something a little "different"

Every year at this time, something big stirs inside me. I think about the Christmases of my past and the traditions my family took part in. One of the things we did every year for the four weeks preceding Christmas was to celebrate Advent. We would sit down as a family and read devotionals and take turns lighting the Advent candles on the Advent wreath.

Sometimes we (the kids) were tuned in to what was being read, and sadly there were some days we desperately fought the urge to fall asleep.

Regardless of where we were mentally, "functionally," or spiritually, this tradition is something that I remember every year.

Somewhere along life's journey...Advent seems to be forgotten. Forgotten in our homes and forgotten in the church.

I was sitting at our staff Christmas party this week and had the opportunity to share a table with one of our pastors who I think the world of. This was my first church Christmas party which was kind of strange because there are so many times that I forget I'm considered "staff." It was a great evening with amazing food and fellowship.

While I was sitting with our pastor I found myself asking him this question. "What happened to Advent? Why is it not preached about anymore during the Christmas season?"

Years ago this very topic was the "straw that broke the camel's back" with me when I made the decision to find a new church home. It was when the sermons moved away from Advent and were replaced with Lord of the Rings.

As I was cleaning last night I was feeling the "nudge" to blog. I had one idea and God had another. He has been speaking to me about it all week and it finally took me dusting off the piano and moving candles around for me to hear it.

"This time is still about Advent. You don't need Sunday sermons to remind you of that."

So I did some research online today...looking for Advent Devotions and I came across this:

"The Season of Advent

Anticipation and Hope"

written by Dennis Bratcher

We live in a world in which bigger and better define our expectations for much in life. We have become so enamored by super size, super stars, and high definition that we tend to view life through a lens that so magnifies what we expect out of the world that we tend not to see potential in small things. But as the prophet Zechariah reminds us (Zech 4:10), we should not "despise the day of small things," because God does some of his best work with small beginnings and impossible situations.

It is truly a humbling experience to read back through the Old Testament and see how frail and imperfect all the "heroes" actually are. Abraham, the coward who cannot believe the promise. Jacob, the cheat who struggles with everybody. Joseph, the immature and arrogant teen. Moses, the impatient murderer who cannot wait for God. Gideon, the cowardly Baal-worshipper. Samson, the womanizing drunk. David, the power abusing adulterer. Solomon, the unwise wise man. Hezekiah, the reforming king who could not quite go far enough. And finally, a young Jewish girl from a small village in a remote corner of a great empire.

It never ceases to amaze me that God often begins with small things and inadequate people. It certainly seems that God could have chosen "bigger" things and "better" people to do his work in the world. Yet if God can use them, and reveal Himself through them in such marvelous ways, it means that he might be able to use me, inadequate and unwise, and too often lacking in faith that I am. And it means that I need to be careful that I do not in my own self-righteousness put limits on what God can do with the smallest things, the most unlikely of people, in the most hopeless of circumstances. I think that is part of the wonder of the Advent season.

I am convinced that one of the main purposes of the incarnation of Jesus was to provide hope. While most people today want to talk about the death of Jesus and the Atonement of sins, the early Church celebrated the Resurrection and the hope it embodies. It was a proclamation of a truth that rang throughout the Old Testament, that endings are not always endings but are opportunities for God to bring new beginnings. The Resurrection proclaims the truth even about humanity's greatest fear, death itself.

Both the season of Advent and the season of Lent are about hope. It is not just hope for a better day or hope for the lessening of pain and suffering, although that is certainly a significant part of it. It is more about hope that human existence has meaning and possibility beyond our present experiences, a hope that the limits of our lives are not nearly as narrow as we experience them to be. It is not that we have possibility in ourselves, but that God is a God of new things and so all things are possible (Isa 42:9, Mt 19:26, Mk 14:36).

God's people in the first century wanted him to come and change their oppressive circumstances, and were angry when those immediate circumstances did not change. But that is a short sighted view of the nature of hope. Our hope cannot be in circumstances, no matter how badly we want them or how important they are to us. The reality of human existence, with which the Book of Job struggles, is that God's people experience that physical existence in the same way that others do. Christians get sick and die, Christians are victims of violent crimes, and Christians are hurt and killed in traffic accidents, bombings, war, and in some parts of the world, famine (see The Problem of Natural Evil).

If our hope is only in our circumstances, as we define them to be good or as we want them to be to make us happy, we will always be disappointed. That is why we hope, not in circumstances, but in God. He has continually, over the span of four thousand years, revealed himself to be a God of newness, of possibility, of redemption, the recovery or transformation of possibility from endings that goes beyond what we can think or even imagine (Eph 3:2). The best example of that is the crucifixion itself, followed by the resurrection. That shadow of the cross falls even over the manger.

Yes, it all begins in the hope that God will come and come again into our world to reveal himself as a God of newness, of possibility, a God of new things. This time of year we contemplate that hope embodied, enfleshed, incarnated, in a newborn baby, the perfect example of newness, potential, and possibility. During Advent, we groan and long for that newness with the hope, the expectation, indeed the faith, that God will once again be faithful to see our circumstances, to hear our cries, to know our longings for a better world and a whole life (ex 3:7). And we hope that as he first came as an infant, so he will come again as King! (see The Second Coming)

My experience tells me that those who have suffered and still hope understand far more about God and about life than those who have not. Maybe that is what hope is all about: a way to live, not just to survive, but to live authentically amidst all the problems of life with a Faith that continues to see possibility when there is no present evidence of it, just because God is God. That is also the wonder of Advent.

I wish I could write something so astoundingly beautiful like this on my own! :) And when I read it, I knew that I needed to share...for I believe that so many of us are walking through this journey called life and lose sight of this "hope."

I'm planning on doing a few more Advent posts and hopefully this blog will encourage you all to remember this very special season as well!

Reflections

I've mentioned before that one of the greatest enjoyments of my daily commute to and from work, is having the opportunity to take part in the beauty of a sunrise and sunset. There are a few spots along the way that I have sought out and pulled over to capture this beauty digitally, as well as in my mind.

Rice fields can be a horrible nightmare for someone who has allergies. When farmers burn...I am miserable. However, when the fields are covered with water...I am blessed. For me personally, one of the most beautiful images is the way nature reflects itself in water.

This past week I have been at a standstill with what to blog about. I had intentions on posting a Thanksgiving Blessing blog but whenever I sat down at the computer there was something else that took my focus off of writing. Last night, my son's remark clinched the title, "Reflections."

I miss football, but I am so glad that Nick has his Tuesday nights free again so he can attend youth group at church. When we got in the car last night to head home, he was so energetic. Typically, I will test, I mean ask him what youth group was about. Some days he can respond in detail and some days all he can remember was playing games before worship. :)

Last night, his energy filled the car and all of a sudden, he burst out, "I am amazing!!!" Hmmm...My first thought was, do we need to have little "ego talk?" I want my son to have confidence and all, but I have no tolerance for arrogance. Before I could mumble a response, he eagerly went on...

"That's what Pastor Brent's message was about! God made me, and He created me to be amazing!!!" Ahhh...such sweet words to hear come out of your child's mouth. Pastor Brent challenged all of the kids to go home, look at themselves in the mirror and say, "I am amazing!"

Before Nick went to bed last night, he spoke that phrase in the mirror about three or four times so everyone could hear, and then said... "I'll probably forget this in a few days." ...so there it is.

And then I got to thinking, I could care less if my son forgets history lessons, math equations, or science experiments. I don't ever want him to forget the beauty of God's Creation, the fact that we were all created in His perfect image, and that we are to reflect that image onto others.

And then, I got to thinking about all of the numerous times that I forget.

All it takes is a single moment of insecurity and I wonder why.

...Why can't I be "good enough?"

The problem is, I fall into the trap of measuring myself by the world's standards and forget how irrelevant that ultimately is.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

-2 Corinthians 3:17-18 NIV

"...are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory..."

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

-James 1:22-24 NIV

I find it way to easy to get lost in Scripture thinking about how good it is, how beautiful it is, how right it is, and then...

...disagreements occur.

...stress ensues.

...doubt consumes.

We all need to remember we're here to reflect...

...not forget.

Another Reminder...

Tonight I am sitting around, not really knowing where I want to take this blog post. Part of me just wants to post pictures and be done with it, but a much, much bigger part of me sits here with a heavy heart and senses God nudging me to simply, "write." ...I don't even have the energy to argue with God over this tonight!

Right now I feel a lot like the people you see in videos and movies walking in slow motion while the rest of the universe is blasting past. I am taking careful notice of where my focus is, on people and circumstances, while the rest of society is busy with moving through life as though nothing else is going on around them.

I was strolling through Walmart Saturday night and it dawned on me, that this was the last weekend for the next few months that I will be able to step into this store and feel "sane."

On my drive to the store I noticed the bright colorful Christmas lights that someone has already put up around their home.

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is this week and that I have absolutely no clue how I want to tackle Christmas this year. The Holidays should be pleasantly prepared for. Stress should not play a factor in the celebrations, yet somehow it weasels its way in there.



I'm not ready for it this year...


So I'm trying to slow down just a bit and reflect on what's been going on all around and inside me.




I've been thinking a lot about the broken and the hurting. Funny how it works that way for me personally. Right about the time that I make the remark, "being single stinks" or something similar, God smacks me on the head and reminds me that my "pity me woes" are so tedious, so unimportant, and so...selfish.

...I have a roof over my head.
...I have a bank account.
...I have clothes on my back.
...I have food in my cupboards.
...I have a car to drive.
...I have a job to go to.
and
...I have a son that deserves my attention more than a companion.


My heart is heavy...and I am questioning myself as to how I can make a difference that will impact my child as well as others.

Our first step was Operation Christmas Child, which I have supported for several years now. "Together" we would choose the articles to place in the shoe boxes, one for a boy and one for a girl. I wanted to teach him the gift of giving to others. This year he opted to stay home from our shopping spree which has encouraged me even more to take another step.

Saturday morning Nick took part in his first youth group "Turkey Bowl" flag football game. During this time a youth leader had asked me what our plans were for Thanksgiving Day and invited us over for dinner. I had to pass on the invite, but then he asked if we'd be interested in tagging along with them later on in the day to take some food down to the river bottoms for a few homeless families. I didn't hesitate with a "We'd love to!!!" Aside from the occasional person we see standing on the street corners, Nick has never encountered a homeless person, not to mention a homeless family. I am so thankful that this opportunity has been given to us and look forward to sharing this experience with my 13 year old son.



This morning in church was such an unexpected blessing for so many reasons.

Upon arriving, I was chatting with someone about a particular ministry that I'd been thinking about. All of a sudden, he looked at me and eagerly asked, "What would yours be?" Huh? Um... (insert awkward pause as his face was lit up while he waited to hear what I would say...)

Huh...I didn't expect that I would be challenged with such a question. Well...I guess it would have something to do with children, because I do have compassion for them.

It seemed to satisfy his inquisitiveness and he walked away, leaving me standing in a children's nursery...feeling puzzled and almost frustrated with the fact that I haven't given it much thought.


And then we had our traditional "Sunday visit" from a friend who stops by to say hello with a big smile on his face as we all wonder what is going on underneath the exterior. Our hearts break for him as he's walking through this particular season of his life. It's refreshing to see his face Sunday mornings because it's a sign and an encouragement to those who know and love him. He's proof that even when life deals us the cards we didn't hope or ask for, our faith shouldn't be shaken...

But the greatest blessing for me came through the face of a family tragedy.

I had heard the story last Sunday, but had no idea that the story involved a family I see and interact with every Sunday morning.

A mom and dad were dropping off their son and nephew to leave in our care while they attended service. As I was checking them in, the mom mentioned that they had her brother's youngest child while her sister-in-law was dropping off the older one next door. I don't even remember what it was exactly that she said, but I will never forget the pain that I saw in her beautiful, yet broken spirit as I took this little boy out of her arms. About two weeks ago, this six month old baby boy's father took his own life. No one knows or can even begin to understand why...but it happened. And this family's world has been shattered.
I couldn't take my eyes off of him...
and I still can't wrap my mind around what they are all going through...



...Every so often as we care for little ones during a church service, God gives us a moment when we have the opportunity to have one eye on the kids and one eye/ear on the monitor. This morning's moment was heartbreaking, but so bittersweet.



There was a woman on stage with our pastor, and she was about to read a poem that she had written in memory of her son. She was the grandmother of this beautiful little boy who was playing on the floor in the room next door...


The room of toddlers grew quiet as she spoke in gratitude and brokenness, pouring her heart out to the church body, and in the end, lifting her hands in the air and giving thanks and praise to our great God.
The God who never leaves us, especially in the midst of tragedy.

What a beautiful moment...

What a challenging day for me personally.

As I sit, and way too often reflect on my life and some days, if it were up to me, feel as though I wouldn't choose to be at this point in my journey...

...I should be married.

...I want more kids.

But then I get reminders like today.

I have to be honest...when I was taking these pictures today, I was so frustrated with Nick. He couldn't stand still. I had a particular "picture" in my mind and wanted to capture it, I even jumped on him for pointing to the sky...

And now I can clearly see that it was God's final reminder to me on this very day. He graciously used my son to be the "messenger."

"Look up, Angie. Your life isn't about what you want. It's all about what I have planned for you...and it's enough."